Disclaimer: If you are easily offended I suggest you stop reading RIGHT NOW. Everything written on this page is obviously fictional, stop emailing me and bitching about it.


The Man's Mag
  Welcome to the very first and probably last edition of the Man's Mag, this magazine is run BY men FOR men, ok... the exception is Big Bertha, then again she behaves more like a body builder suffering from steroid rage most of the time.   I got lots of good porn available on this website together with the bare bone essential solutions to many a man's problems.  The advertisements are used to pay our writers their monthly paychecks, without them I would not be able to employ such highly skilled professionals.

I'll now leave you in the hands of our talented staff writers: Don Don, Bertha and Funky Dan, enjoy the ride.
(pictures used were mostly found on: Something Awful's Cliff Yablonski page)
New Sensations - If you like pornstars, you'll love this site.
Pimping Revealed
Funky Dan   Yo Yo Yo! Wazzup! This is Funky Dan and I'm here to teach you some stuff about being a good pimp.  When walking the streets nowadays I see so many wannabe pimps out there I feel compelled to at least hint some of you aspiring pimps in the right direction.

Rule number 1: Make sure the girls you pimp actually look anywhere decent, you do not want her to look like this motherfucking whale, God almighty that picture makes me wanna puke in a bucket and slobber it all up again only so I can puke once more.  Ideally you want to go for something like this cutie right here, if you get something as sweet as that to pimp for you, hollah and I'll be the first to spend my $20 dollar paycheck I earn here at the Man's Mag on yo little ho.

Rule Number 2: You need to get you some wheels and since the world is changing, the times you could pimp in an old cadillac are over.  You need something modern, something like this fly ride.  I used to own this little gem back in the days before my prostethic 3 foot penis and frequent anxiety attacks alienated me from society.  I sold it to some asian dude for mad money and I even bargained in the deal that I could fuck his tight assed asian girlfriend, man!  I tell ya, those slanty eyed asian cum buckets are good for nothing else than me using their orifices to dump my smelly semen in, but they do a fantastic job at that, kudos to them.

Rule Number 3: Dress in style, you want to represent and not look like any bone-headed homeboy in da hood.  Don't go fucking berserk, however do try to make a difference in order to stand out from the crowd, I suggest something stylish yet unorthodox.

Rule Number 4: Make sure your girls are upto the job, you do not want a fucking cry baby that is gonna piss your customers off.  The most common problem is girls refusing to do anal. My advice to you is to solve this problem by repeatedly jamming your fist up her ass until she gets used to it or passes out.  In the latter case tell her she better get used to that also, some of her future clients will like to whack her around a bit. Like this slut I pimped in the good old days, she got ruffed up pretty good by some dude, she wasn't able to close her mouth anymore because of her jaw being all fucked up.  Thinking about it now, I think I should have written "Always open for business" on that skank's forehead.

I am running out of time now, I need to go to the doctor to have my genital warts treated.  I hope I have pointed some of you in the right direction, and you will do me proud. If you feel like watching the up and coming generation of whores, check this out..

- Funky Dan.
What If Your Ho Can't Blow?
Don Don Hi, let me introduce mineself, I am Don Don, toujours we will talk about girls who not know how to blow the cock in the right way.  This can make the life of the self-respected man très hard (or soft maybe hihihihi).  Some mans start take drinks for the pain they feel, other mans go to McDonalds too many time.  Don't you worry mon ami, Don Don is here to help!

 Some of you will think I am to ugly for knowing alot about this subject, but let me tell you peensy weensy americain, I am from France!  In La France we have the expert on the oral sex adventures, and not any bomb or army can make it change! Mangez that hahaha!  I shall now discuss some problem there might be and the fix for it.  I give my own advice, but you can choose your own because I know America is the land of the free and want demodrastic solution.

Problem 1: Girl touch love shaft with teeth when doing the blowjob, make it feel like second time circumcized.  At least I think so, Don Don is not circumcized, he has a dirty french wee-wee hahahaha!

Best Solution: Number 3.

Problem 2: Girl refuse to do blowjob.
Best Solution: Number 3, repeat until she do blowjob or rigor mortis has set in.

Problem 3: Girl has bad breath.
Best Solution: Silly man, do you not realize your penis has no nose? Try solution 3, just to be sure of your case.

Problem 4: Girl does not do anything, even after trying all solution listed below.
Best Solution: Does she looks like the one on the left? Get out of the cemetary and try to meet a girl that is breathing. P.S. Solution 3 is useless in this rare case.

Problem 5: Girl refuse to swallow cum.
Best Solution: Number 3, repeat until she swallow, then piss in her face and ask which taste better, she now will swallow every time!

Solution 1: Talk to girl about it (don't be shy to do it, you are the man!).
Solution 2: Do not tell her anything and not enjoy blowjob ever, not preferable... you are sissy now.
Solution 3: Do not tell her and yell: "You Bitch!", but now stomp her in her face, now you do not look sissy.

Bonus solution (can be used as extra with all above solution): If she ask what is wrong, always say "Nothing", then kick her in the stomache ,do not do this if girl pregnant by you, but if by other man, by all mean, go ahead! You can now also go ask money from her for "abortion fee".  You are a doctor now and your future is bright as the sunshine falling on my soft blushy cheek.

I hope I help you solve your problem, have a glorious day ahead of you mon ami! Don Don is going to look at some Porn DVDs, au revoir.
Mothers In Law
Big Bertha I'm not one to beat around the bush, so I'll give it to you straight up dudes.  They are a royal pain in the ass, however, if you got the balls to take charge of your destiny and slaughter those stuck up, tupperware party throwing miserable pieces of trash, you might feel as empowered as I do.  I'll give you an inside peek into my past, think of this whenever your own mother in law takes the blood from under your fingernails, and wallow in the fantasy.

First some background information, my alias is Big Bertha, due to my being in law enforcement and what I am about to tell here, I can't reveal my identity, hence the sunglasses in the picture (so no-one can recognize me).

It all started with me marrying Pancho, my highschool sweetheart. As you can see in the picture he was very masculin and macho, what more could a woman want in a man, right?  We got married in 1979 in Phoenix, AZ. At that time, against all odds, I had graduated from college, thank God some people have a fetish for big girls :P  Madly in love we settled down in a beautiful trailer next to the one his mother owned. His father, who at one point of time was an illegal immigrant did the thing all immigrants should do, he died... for his newly adopted country in the korean war. You know the one with Corporal Klinger and Eagle Eye Cherry in it.

Pancho, being an only child, often had to help out in "casa mobile" (that's what they called their trailer), due to his mother suffering from parkinsons.  That signalled the beginning of the end, more and more his mother started to lay claim on him and became more hostile towards me.  It tore me apart to see Pancho get sucked back into the very culture I had so desperately tried to get him out of. I needed to be loved by him so much I became desperate.  I became a bitter young woman distraught by the light sabres God in all his mysterious ways had thrown on my divine path.  I was full of anger, full of all consuming rage! It felt like drowning. My life took a turn for the worst, I started drinking, developed an eating disorder and often sat alone crying in the toilet.  Being at the ripe age I am now it has dawned upon me I perhaps over-reacted slightly, due to my experience with spi...hispanic people in my capacity as officer of the law over the past years. I realize these people are probably not to blame. A people that rode on donkeys over treacherous mountain passes wearing sombreros the size of a small boat for thousand of years just can not be compared to our rich history of...eeehm... people that rode over equally dangerous plains wearing miniature dented sombreros on horses while playing cowboy.

Now on to the good stuff that you were dying to know, I just had to tease you guys a little, sorry ;) I will now explain how I made Pancho's evil momma disappear, unfortunately and indirectly, also Pancho. It was early morning on a friday in may, however, people were up and about unusually early since there was an inter-cultural festival in town later that day, eloquently labeled "inter-cultural festival" by local officials.  As was to be expected most of the latinos in our trailer park were busy preparing traditional mexican dishes to present themselves from their best side at the festival while at the same time numbing people's taste buds for the coming decade or two.

Also uncle Pepe, who was sortof the make shift butcher of the park, was busy.  He was grinding meat behind his trailer at the giant communal meat grinder that him, Paco and Roberto had put together some months earlier. By the few glimpses of him I could make out through the swarm of flies, he did not look too happy. I walked over to him and asked him what was wrong. The old man nearly was in tears, he told me he'd never make it in time since he had injured his left arm the night before watching a movie... make of that what you want.  I decided to not ask on how exactly did he manage that, instead as a productive member of the trailer transient community I offered the poor man to grind the meat for him so he could go and rest, I also advised him not to watch any more movies for a while.

I was almost done when I heard a voice: "Stop it right now puta! You can not grind uncle Pepe's meat!!!" I did not even have to look over my shoulder to know who it was, it was her, the object of my rage, her who had driven a wedge between me and my dearest Panchito. Within a fraction of a second I had grabbed the old bitch by her hair and stuffed her mouth with a handful of already grinded meat, she kept on cursing, but much to my delight the sound was almost completely muffled by the meat.  I got hold of the loose skin on her thighs with my other hand and lifted her up on the edge of the grinder and thought to myself: "If ever there's a time... it's NOW Bertha.". Using all my force I pushed Pancho's mum's head down while she was trying to struggle, flailing her arms about in vain. She didn't have a chance in hell, this was MY day, MY moment of glory, my chance to get back my beloved Pancho. I kept on pushing down until I heard the sharp sound of her skull being torn to pieces by the grinder, it sounded like the sweetest of symphonies to me. I felt bone fragments hit my face and arms, it felt like the soothing raindrops of a thunderstorm on a hot sticky summer night. It was an ecstatic feeling, almost orgasmic, seeing her now limp body slowly being sucked down, crushing every part of her, every bit of her that was very much alive only moment ago, calling me a filthy whore. It must have only lasted a few minutes, it seemed like hours of pure pleasure to me, feeling invincible while watching what remained of her body coming out at the other end of the grinder.

Suddenly just as the legs started to go down, I heard a voice over the sound of the machine struggling to make work of her, "Bertha? is...is that..?" When I looked in his eyes I could see he knew, and I simply nodded yes with a big smile on my face. I expected him to reciprocate my joy and delight, instead he hung his head, turned around, and walked out of the trailer park. I figured he needed some time alone, after all I just made ground beef of his mummy, so I watched him walk off in the distance. After that I put the meat of his mother in a bag and tossed it in a dumpster. Cleaned myself up and told uncle Pepe his meat was finished. He was clearly overjoyed, "Thank you, thank you!! Oh the people at the festival will enjoy my meat so much!", I smirked and thought to myself, "If they enjoy it as much as I did reducing that aged skank to little pieces, you'll be opening a chain of restaurants soon."

I waited for almost 4 weeks but Pancho never called and nobody knew where he was, people assumed him and his mother had left... I knew better.   Heartbroken and betrayed I left the trailer park, "That no good son of a bitch never loved me, he loved his bitch mum more than me." It drove me nuts at first but eventually I was able to block him long enough out of my thoughts in a day to function normally again. I found myself a job as a cop in a rural area and started a new home alone.   One of my first purchases was uncle Pepe's meat grinder. It's in the shed now, waiting... just like me, for my dear Panchito.